Ice cube

I don't know if love is something that I can have. I mean it is not really in my hand to just fall in love, if it is like that, why wouldn't I? 
It is actually quite interesting thing to look forward to having. for me it's like an ice cube that takes all the heat off of your body, all the pain and all the agony of life out of your heart. It's different agony I suppose, joyful agony.. that tickling feeling that you get in summer if you move an ice cube on your neck kind of agony.
I think being loved is the thing that we all need the most. Without it, it's all colorless, dry and empty. Because loneliness on the the other hand is really unbearable. It's just like the very painful hour of sickness that you really wish you could fall asleep only to escape the pain of it. 

I sometimes blur out .. feeling that fear of being alone forever, of being unable to hold someone, of being a bad person in the end. I hate that terrible pain in my chest for wanting to cry. I mean, yes I do. I want to cry. I want so much that it hurts. It hurts being on my Mars all the time, by myself, telling myself that it's fine. It's fine living my life in Autumn, but looking forward to that summer and that tickling ice cube.

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