Out of the blues

I don't know if love is something that I can have. I mean it is not really in my hand to just fall in love, if it is like that, why wouldn't I?  It is actually quite interesting thing to look forward to having. for me it's like an ice cube that takes all the heat off of your body, all the pain and all the agony of life out of your heart. It's different agony I suppose, joyful agony.. that tickling feeling that you get in summer if you move an ice cube on your neck kind of agony. I think being loved is the thing that we all need the most. Without it, it's all colorless, dry and empty. Because loneliness on the the other hand is really unbearable. It's just like the very painful hour of sickness that you really wish you could fall asleep only to escape the pain of it.  I sometimes blur out .. feeling that fear of being alone forever, of being unable to hold someone, of being a bad person in the end. I hate that terrible pain in my chest for wanting to cry. I mean,...

I actually hate that strong blood rush that comes in our body once we are angry, when rage and madness go right after our braincells, and In every fight it pushes you to the worst. The main trouble here is that you can hardly fight it back, you hardly manage to step back from breaking yourself. However, your body still aches , still can't chill out and still doesn't recognize you.  That anger is like the kerosene that only burns you out. That flame of yours that never finds its way down. It's never easy, I know. It must be the hardest to carry that weight on your chest without bursting into tears or turn it into a fire. It's confusing though, what intention do we have by flaming ourselves? Is it just to be right? Why should we prove it anyway?, for who?  will it be easy to take what comes after the fire? No, never will be. Is it a choice to take down the fire? To not let the smoke eats you alive afterwards? I really fear the kerosene, but what do I fear more ? To lose m...

Every time I see it , every single time I watch the sky for a while I see it .. that swaying clouds smoothly going taking all the ache in my chest with it. That cotton candy shapped like clouds cluelessly fly with no aquired destination, in that dark mauve sky having me staring, deeply want to join, deeply want to fly away. I think it's like a spell cast on you when you look at it up above, as if you would never want to look away. I mean how incredible is that!  I just imagine me flying with that beautifully fragile cotton candy exploring that mauve sky all the way to that huge star I've known since I was little, that sweet friend of mine shining each time I look up like I was the only one looking. I've missed her badly. I know she'd be waiting for me in that spot right where I was living my childhood happily, full of joy, safety and laughter. Well, my dear clouds, shall we go?

I remember when I was young I used to wish that I lose feelings ..more like vampires, too white and attractive enough to let it all go. I think it was because I felt so much so early, too many difficulties to take at that time of my life. I didn't want to feel anything, I wanted to feel only rapturous. Free. I Know now how bittersweet it is to actually embrace all, let it all come like a puzzle pieces, each piece in the right place. It's the worst to actually know how much you need this feeling but the fact that it hurts so bad pushes you away everytime to another dark place, another time of you thinking that it is really the worst to feel anything. Well, no one actually feels good about having feelings anyway, but the ultimate truth is that we all have to feel something at the end of the day, because without feelings you won't know that you're alive, as simple as that.

Sometimes I wish I can turn myself into another living thing. Blowing wind in the winter , the breeze in the very early morning  The sun when it leaves , the sea when lovers are having their own moment by its beach  The moon when it's full looking at daughters laughter to their dads  Or maybe a tree waiting for any bird to nest on it. When i was little I used to dream about that all the time. I remember I used to imagine that I was a butterfly , or probably  a bee I don't really remember ..but I remember that I learned then to imagine myself a different being whenever I can, whenever I loose hope in this life of human me.. and with that I felt an incredible satisfying vibes that made me feel I really own the whole world. I wonder what would I learn if I was a bee?! What would I see in this world? Would I be able to feel anything if I was the wind? What would I live for if I was actually different being? 

I knew how to pose infront of him ,  I didn't feel nervous of him taking a photo of me and I knew how to pose in that moment with no effort..  I miss that feeling I had the night we met  It was the last time I felt that so beautiful feelings , rapturous , safe , glowing and I was definitely so stupid that night. It's kind of all the feelings that you always want to have forever , rewind all over again just to have that single moment of joy , when I talked with him , when I really for the first time didn't feel time .. I can not miss him more . His stupid smile , that barrier that didn't exist in our talk like we knew each other for many years, him complementing my taste of music, his cute face reactions to me talking.. I hate how much i miss it, I hate how much I miss the moment of being next to him  I hate how my heart aches each time I remember my feeling that wasn't mutual , I hate what I think of each time I remember how he didn't see me the way I see him. D...

 It's no longer the same, no longer exciting or lovely like it used to be. Talking to him was always something to look forward to for her , it was always making her happy to hear anything from him.. no one got really the point of this love,not even her. She started to be sick of helping him when he refuses to be helped every time.. he refuses to grow, refuses to face it , to face her.. instead he's pushing her away. lately he keeps her distant more and more. She has been actually in a really dark place for a while but the way she deals with it is totally different that his. She actually wants to help herself to be better and to make peace with herself. Being him like that lately makes her feel like she's nothing to him anymore, that she doesn't really make any difference for him. Perhaps if she disappear a little while and let him be. Maybe then he actually could figure something out. The fact that she misses him so much and that she really needs him to feel whole and c...

 I wasn't ever a fan of rock music, always thought it's too high for me. I didn't like the high notes or drums sound much but recently I began to like it and I actually enjoy the high sounds and that rocking voices. It's so strange to me but I like how every once in a while I attach myself to some kind of music, sometimes the pop, sometimes the classic and other days I just listen to symphonies of Bach and Mozart. Some other days I listen to Turkish , french or Spanish and Sometimes German , yeah even German!! But I really like these moods swings that involve all kinds of music. it gets weird sometimes but what i get that it is really just phases of a person's life. Life is all about a phase and music that goes with it.