Push away

 It's no longer the same, no longer exciting or lovely like it used to be. Talking to him was always something to look forward to for her , it was always making her happy to hear anything from him.. no one got really the point of this love,not even her.

She started to be sick of helping him when he refuses to be helped every time.. he refuses to grow, refuses to face it , to face her.. instead he's pushing her away. lately he keeps her distant more and more.

She has been actually in a really dark place for a while but the way she deals with it is totally different that his. She actually wants to help herself to be better and to make peace with herself. Being him like that lately makes her feel like she's nothing to him anymore, that she doesn't really make any difference for him. Perhaps if she disappear a little while and let him be. Maybe then he actually could figure something out.

The fact that she misses him so much and that she really needs him to feel whole and complete is really killing her everyday. It's also so disturbing for her that they did not have a proper closure. She needed to say a lot more but she didn't, she didn't get that chance to do so. well , lately she never gets that chance, to share enough , or to talk enough like she used to with him at first.
She hated how he now is loosing all the hope he has even when she's there.. even when she supports him and pushes him everyday , even when she's ready for anything to make him feel safe and better.. she tried her best.. she really did, she loved how he used to fight, and how he helped her to fight, how he listened to her tears and pushed her as if she's the strongest person his eyes sees. Despite all that she now feels she's not enough for him now , not enough to be better , not enough to fight for, it makes her deeply sad to see that.

She felt him pushing her away, pushing all her wishes for him to be better, all her support and her emotions for him, pushing her missing him deeply and even her tears, it became harder for him to respond to. She has never been that confused. Is it really that confusing for him? can't he ever explain? Is it that easy for him to let her go? Can he push away all feelings that easy? she honestly wishes she can erase it all. erase him, his love and that stupid confusion out of her heart.She wishes she can push people away the way he can do. 

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